Faith, Life, and Lessons

These past two plus weeks have been more and less tumultuous and eventful than I expected. Let me explain the contradiction as best I can (which is probably inadequate since I don't completely understand it myself and possibly never will). This trip has been more pressing than anticipated as it has forced me to come head-on with my beliefs on the purpose and methodology of service. On a personal level, the work I've witnessed and participated in has made me question the role I, and all missionaries/servants/Christians play in loving others in a reflection of God's love. I don't think anyone who has read the Bible would deny that Our Father expects us to love each other because of our love for Him. To further the kingdom and attempt to fulfill our roles as humans, service is necessary. However, I'm not convinced the methods we've assumed, both as first-world "helpers" and third-world "receivers," is quite appropriate for a long-term appro...

Bonjour d’ Haiti!!!! For a bit over two weeks now, my friends and I have been staying here at the Children's Lifeline compound about an hour and a half outside of Port-au-Prince. Although I've been on a mission trip to Haiti before about 3 years ago, this trip broke my expectations in both positive and negative ways. Recognizing both the magnificent natural beauty of the land and the tremendous faith of the people, I've grown to appreciate and even love the country. My prayer is that well-intentioned humanitarians don't simply Americanize the area in an effort to "help." Although they may need material aid, I don't believe Haitians need the consumerism and faith-diminishing self-reliance that can dominate the western world. They are poor, the poorest in the western hemisphere actually, but they are also rich in spiritual vitality, relationships, and work ethic. Interestingly, there seems to be an inverse relationship between our culture and theirs in a gen...

For this post, I've decided to write a brief (maybe) and specific snapshot of what my life is currently like as I and the KIVU crew stay in Haiti. We are working with Children's Lifeline Mission, so we generally visit a school or orphanage, often more than one, daily. Working with the children, we can help feed them, weigh or measure them for progress reports, or just play with them for their entertainment. It seems they're always intrigued to interact with a "blanc," or a white person. We're something of celebrities around here, although I'm not sure if that's positive or negative. Although this is my second time to Haiti (I came 3 years ago with my church to work in an orphanage in Jeremie), it's nonetheless been a learning experience for me to figure out how to show I am just as needy and human as others. What I definitely don't want to do is create and further relational roles that show Americans and "blancs" as the superior being...

This is a post I typed about a month ago while living and studying in Denver. I never actually posted it... Sorry it's late, but it's still relevant! [Maybe even more-so as I witness a different level of homeless in Haiti now... More on that in another post :) ] Today, my fellow students and I took a class, one of our classes I'm taking for credit, called Global Urbanization, to better understand homelessness. In the class, we were paired off and given a packet that covers different aspects of homelessness such as shame, mental illness, the need for food and shelter, family, and addiction. For each category, we went to a different corner to read the description and pray about the matter. It was very enlightening for me to read about the various circumstances that homeless face daily. On top of the imminent threat of gang violence or even assault at the hands of local police, (which I know of because of my first-hand witness of a policeman kicking sleeping homeless men in ...

From my conservative Christian upbringing, I know that my priorities are supposed to be God, then others, then myself. I can still hear my elementary school teacher singing, "JOY means Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last." By now, it's simply unquestioned (although still difficult to implement). As one of my teachers, Ryan, explained, this type of prioritizing is a result of our western culture, which seeks to create linear order and compartments. The problem with this compartmentalizing is that we leave things behind; we simply can't focus our energies on everything. Ironically, that theme is exactly what I was grappling with in my previous blog (Late Night Reflections Part 2). Anyway, this thinking implies that we focus most of our energy on serving and relating to God, then spend the remnants on others, and finally leaving nearly nothing for ourselves. Although at first, this seems like a virtue ("Wow, you're so selfless that you have no time for...

Well, here I am again. Still tired, but it seems I only have the motivation to blog when everyone else is asleep. That's actually pretty telling; my efficiency greatly decreases if I have the potential to "miss out" on something... That's a psychological dilemma I've had since childhood. Maybe I'll work on it. Anyway... From Monday through Wednesday this week, Courtney and I went to the Colorado Organization for Victim's Assistants. It's basically a huge conference for all types of people working with victims of crime, so I was able to go with my co-workers for my internship. We stayed in a lodge in Keystone with of the JAM staff (our co-workers), and I felt so blessed to be a part of such a great week. As I've said before, I absolutely love all my co-workers, and I was able to learn quite a bit about handling panic situations, interacting with victims, and just processing plain information about modern crime (rape, molestation, assault, cults, t...

  Living in a rather run-down area of Denver, I have become accustomed to the  occasional  homeless and drunks on the sidewalks. Therefore, I was not taken aback late one night when a man asked my two friends (Britley and Madison) and me if we had a sandwich. However, after assuring him that we did not, he began weeping and dropped to his knees, crying out in anguish and sheer displacement. At this, I was filled with compassion and ran into the house while my friends kept him company. After hastily heating up a sandwich and some macaroni, I rushed back outside and sat down where they were waiting on me.   My first words were, “What is your name?” When dealing with the financially impoverished, well-intentioned people often try to serve by simply giving a hand-out and moving on. Shifting towards international short-term mission trips, the Church and relief organizations seem to have embraced the idea of impersonal and physical aid as a primary ideology. Howeve...

After a day-long retreat with my co-workers in a beautiful suburban/rural house today, it occurred to me that I have never officially blogged about my internship. That's a pretty crazy concept as I spend around 21 hours there on a weekly basis; I love the clinic as a second home and the staff as a second family. For my entire time in Denver (around 2.5 months), I'm working with the Justice and Mercy Legal Aid Clinic (JAMLAC, for short). The clinic is connected to an organization called Mile High Ministries, so I'm connected to JAMLAC primarily and Mile High on a larger scale. Every Tuesday morning, Courtney (my fellow Gap Year student at JAMLAC) and I go to staff meetings with all of the Mile High staff. Every Thursday afternoon, JAMLAC has staff lunches where we eat together (generally catered or donated from a client), share stories, have "gratitudes" (everyone tells 1 thing they are thankful for), have "check-ins" (a few people tell about their week),...

All day today, I've been in my pajamas doing applications and research for my classes. Oh, and also joking around and watching New Girl. (I can't lie by portraying myself as efficient as the first sentence implied...) Anyway, needless to say, I had ample time to prepare for the night, when I was supposed to FaceTime my family, take a shower, get ready, go to Church, and go to a Poetry Slam. One would think I'd be smart and get everything done on time, right? Wrong. I have the WORST time management in the world when it comes to physical meetings, so I ended up rushing through my FaceTime, showering like a Marine, and still having Blair hold my phone as a mirror so I could do my makeup on the side of the road while waiting for a bus. I'm a hot mess sometimes. Anyway, that entire time I was stressing about being late (although it was so avoidable!). I was so worried about not finishing getting ready that I honestly considered skipping church so that I could look good for t...

Well, I’m exhausted, and I know I should be asleep right now. As always, I keep a fairly busy schedule here. Between classes on Monday and Friday, my internship on Tuesday through Thursday, “civil engagements” with the Gap team on the weekends, and my dance classes three times a week, I don’t leave myself much time to really just sit and reflect. However, times like these are necessary for me to process and develop ideas about everything I’m witnessing and involved in. I can tell I’ve been changing, and I like who I’m becoming. I care about others, and I want to serve others and share the love of Christ. Sadly, this outward focus can leave me discouraged as I think of all the lives I can’t affect.  Living in a city, I see hundreds, if not thousands, of people each week, and I want to invest in all of them. How can I convey compassion and benevolence in a 5 minute bus-ride? I’m saddened to think of lonely individuals who don’t recognize that others care about them, that I care...

What a week I had last week! Let me just warn the world: if you pray for God to open your eyes and, "break your heart for what breaks His," He will deliver. I think last week was a bit of a punch to the face for me, spiritually speaking. However, sometimes experiences like these are helpful and even necessary. If I want to truly serve the hurt and lonely, I need to understand them on some level. Over the course of a week, I offered a "shoulder to cry on" to a lonely woman, an abused woman (while I was translating in court), and a homeless man. Many times this week, I have been overwhelmed with the distortion of relationships. Physical and sexual abuse, arrogance, and selfish motives often overrun what the Lord designed to be beautiful. Although I've found myself crying out to God to right these wrongs, I also understand that this was not His doing. Humans are our own worst nightmare. Still, I'm not implying a deist theology that states God merely watches hum...

At the Afrojack concert with Sarah The girls (minus Dan) at Afrojack (sorry for the weird lighting...) The bathroom at the Church: Scum of the Earth... the Church is run by a group of artists, and it's the most beautiful and interesting place I have ever been. Not very scummy if you ask me... (Cheesy joke; sorry)      In all of the experiences that I've been privy to these past few weeks, I've come to notice a common trend. In these group functions, though vastly different, the main intentions seems to be similar, almost the same, even. We want a genuine and passionate experience and a place where we belong. Everyone just wants to feel something.      When all the girls (and Dan) went to an Afrojack rave concert last weekend, all the concert-goers simply wanted a connection. People crammed together to feel like they were part of something bigger than themselves. The desire to be part of a group is innate in all of us. At the concert, the...

What is love? I think it may be one of the most overused and misinterpreted words in the English language. There is no distinction between the emotions that are all strewn into that 4-letter word: adoration, lust, infatuation, brotherly feelings, respect, companionship, mutual enjoyment… It’s all there. However, I’ve decided that one sect of this word stands above the rest. It’s the type of love that God the Father gave us at our origin: love that lets go. From the very beginning, God gave humanity the all-important gift of free will; we are not robots. As the only omnipotent being, our Father knew we collectively would sin and turn our backs on Him. However, his infinite love required a genuine reciprocation; He refused to force it. Because this type of love consciously allows the object of joy (the beloved) to leave, it is the most difficult and selfless. Parents, on a less extreme scale, also endure this type of love when their baby chicks move out of the house for college...

     I'm currently sitting in a tree in one of Denver's parks. Yes, sitting in a tree. As I sit here, I think of how uncomfortable trees actually are. It seems so idealized to be a hippie child looking at the world from above, but it really just leaves the indention of the bark in my butt. I do, however, think it's a worthwhile experience- partly because I feel somehow connected to my childhood up here. Climbing a tree is a somewhat vulnerable experience; there's no casual way to do it. You just hoist up your legs and hope for the best. Maybe only children have the innocence and confidence to be so vulnerable in public. Children and crazy people like myself.      Anyway, I think I've decided trees are a fantastic metaphor for people. Trees have roots, and they grow. They have layers and scars. They only grow in proper conditions. They need love and attention to grow fruit (occassionally even that doesn't work). As uncomfortable as this bark may be, it...

Dancing in the streets on the first night together... typical.  Rockin' the flower crowns at Camp KIVU

It's official!!!! I'm finally here: united with all my fellow Gap Year students and the lovely staff that will be guiding us (literally and spiritually) on this journey. Can I just say that I absolutely love it so far? I truly think this will be the best year of my life thus far (and probably for years to come). I'm surrounded by amazing people that I can only pray will influence me to become a better person. I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hydrant, and I'm just trying to take it all in. Let me back up and give you a little insight to what is actually going on around here. The first two days were really just dedicated to meeting each other and moving our seemingly abundant clothes and bedding into our rooms. The process took nearly the entire two days because my room (shared with three other girls) barely had enough space to stand with all our bags: a bit overwhelming to organize. After spending the night in the hotel with my parents Sunday night, I finished ...

Wow! It's finally here! This is the day parents dread (and occasionally anticipate when their kids act out). It's the culmination of all childhood finally being put to the test as the chicks are literally shoved out of the nest with a hug and a kiss. Bittersweet. For the past two nights, I've been laying in bed thinking as much as I have been actually sleeping. Pretty sure they call that excitement. Even if tomorrow I were moving into college instead of a small house in Denver, the first of six locations, I would be excited. The fact that I'm getting to travel the world and, more importantly, see God in a new way only makes the transition more exciting. Will I find direction for my future? Will I become horribly homesick? What will I eat?!?! The questions can only be answered with time (and by bringing along granola bars just in case...) Just briefly, for those of you who may not know (which is probably rather few considering how much my mom seems to talk about it.....