Late Night Reflections Part 2 (I'm still tired...)
Well, here I am again. Still tired, but it seems I only have the motivation to blog when everyone else is asleep. That's actually pretty telling; my efficiency greatly decreases if I have the potential to "miss out" on something... That's a psychological dilemma I've had since childhood. Maybe I'll work on it. Anyway...
From Monday through Wednesday this week, Courtney and I went to the Colorado Organization for Victim's Assistants. It's basically a huge conference for all types of people working with victims of crime, so I was able to go with my co-workers for my internship. We stayed in a lodge in Keystone with of the JAM staff (our co-workers), and I felt so blessed to be a part of such a great week. As I've said before, I absolutely love all my co-workers, and I was able to learn quite a bit about handling panic situations, interacting with victims, and just processing plain information about modern crime (rape, molestation, assault, cults, technological crimes etc). Very useful for my internship and life in general.
However, upon returning home today, I was almost instantly hit with the stress of living with 12 other people, applying to colleges (and figuring out how to pay for it!), and keeping up with relationships both here and back in Nashville. I guess the party's over... I'm feeling pretty frustrated at the moment as far as relationships are concerned; I may be spreading myself too thin. I feel like I'm on some horrible see-saw where as soon as I get close to one group, I start to lose the others. For instance, even being away from the rest of my roommates these past 3 days, I feel a bit of distance between us. Granted, that will probably fade by tomorrow, but the principle still remains. I'm already notorious for being horrible at keeping up with long-distance relationships, but I'm starting to feel the effects of that problem. All my friends are telling me I'm behind, and even when they don't say it, I still feel it. How can I not be behind?! This is the longest I've ever been away from many of them since initially meeting them. I also am lacking in socialization with my family members. It's just all so overwhelming. I wish everyone I knew could be in one place. It's always a balancing game. If I'm on the phone, then I'm ignoring those in front of me. If I'm always with those in my immediate surroundings, then I'm ignoring my other friends. Here's the root of the problem: I want to be everyone's best friend. I want to be equally close to every member of the Gap Year, all of my friends back home, all of the people I work with, every person I dance with, and anyone else I have a relationship with. The problem? I physically cannot do it. The even harder problem? Although I see I'm running myself dry, I refuse to give up. I still want to do everything, be everywhere, and be loved by everyone. I'm like a puppy or something (but slightly more stressed at the moment). What I'm learning is that if you try to be everyone's best friend, you end up as no one's best friend. The more places you seek love, the less you truly receive. Even if everyone was in the same room, I wouldn't be able to engage with everyone as much as I would want. I'm still not quite sure how I will resolve this problem, but I'm hoping God will give me clarity in the near future.
While I'm typing, I might as well also mention that for a year or two now I've been praying for clarity as far as colleges, majors, ROTC, and just my future in general. Well guess what? I'm still praying for it! (Did you think I was about to give an answer? Ha- got you!)... Still, I think I've made a small portion of the decision this past week when I decided not to reapply for the Air Force ROTC Scholarship. As joining the Air Force, in some way, has been on my mind for years now, the decision was not an easy one. I've been very torn on the issue for what seems like an eternity. However, I have faith that God can make whatever path I take one in which I can bring him glory. I won't get into the nitty gritty of the motivation behind my decision (if you're curious, feel free to ask- I have the "pros" and "cons" all written out), but the point is that I believe God can rearrange what seemed so set. I may not end up at one of the colleges I had originally imagined, and I may not be doing what I thought, but that's okay with me. If the Lord has other plans, I'm just going to have to trust that they're better anyway. Let's just hope he reveals these marvelous plans sometime soon. :) As it turns out, nothing is permanent. Maybe not even my decision to not reapply (although admittedly I would need a serious sign in order to reconsider again)...
From Monday through Wednesday this week, Courtney and I went to the Colorado Organization for Victim's Assistants. It's basically a huge conference for all types of people working with victims of crime, so I was able to go with my co-workers for my internship. We stayed in a lodge in Keystone with of the JAM staff (our co-workers), and I felt so blessed to be a part of such a great week. As I've said before, I absolutely love all my co-workers, and I was able to learn quite a bit about handling panic situations, interacting with victims, and just processing plain information about modern crime (rape, molestation, assault, cults, technological crimes etc). Very useful for my internship and life in general.
However, upon returning home today, I was almost instantly hit with the stress of living with 12 other people, applying to colleges (and figuring out how to pay for it!), and keeping up with relationships both here and back in Nashville. I guess the party's over... I'm feeling pretty frustrated at the moment as far as relationships are concerned; I may be spreading myself too thin. I feel like I'm on some horrible see-saw where as soon as I get close to one group, I start to lose the others. For instance, even being away from the rest of my roommates these past 3 days, I feel a bit of distance between us. Granted, that will probably fade by tomorrow, but the principle still remains. I'm already notorious for being horrible at keeping up with long-distance relationships, but I'm starting to feel the effects of that problem. All my friends are telling me I'm behind, and even when they don't say it, I still feel it. How can I not be behind?! This is the longest I've ever been away from many of them since initially meeting them. I also am lacking in socialization with my family members. It's just all so overwhelming. I wish everyone I knew could be in one place. It's always a balancing game. If I'm on the phone, then I'm ignoring those in front of me. If I'm always with those in my immediate surroundings, then I'm ignoring my other friends. Here's the root of the problem: I want to be everyone's best friend. I want to be equally close to every member of the Gap Year, all of my friends back home, all of the people I work with, every person I dance with, and anyone else I have a relationship with. The problem? I physically cannot do it. The even harder problem? Although I see I'm running myself dry, I refuse to give up. I still want to do everything, be everywhere, and be loved by everyone. I'm like a puppy or something (but slightly more stressed at the moment). What I'm learning is that if you try to be everyone's best friend, you end up as no one's best friend. The more places you seek love, the less you truly receive. Even if everyone was in the same room, I wouldn't be able to engage with everyone as much as I would want. I'm still not quite sure how I will resolve this problem, but I'm hoping God will give me clarity in the near future.
While I'm typing, I might as well also mention that for a year or two now I've been praying for clarity as far as colleges, majors, ROTC, and just my future in general. Well guess what? I'm still praying for it! (Did you think I was about to give an answer? Ha- got you!)... Still, I think I've made a small portion of the decision this past week when I decided not to reapply for the Air Force ROTC Scholarship. As joining the Air Force, in some way, has been on my mind for years now, the decision was not an easy one. I've been very torn on the issue for what seems like an eternity. However, I have faith that God can make whatever path I take one in which I can bring him glory. I won't get into the nitty gritty of the motivation behind my decision (if you're curious, feel free to ask- I have the "pros" and "cons" all written out), but the point is that I believe God can rearrange what seemed so set. I may not end up at one of the colleges I had originally imagined, and I may not be doing what I thought, but that's okay with me. If the Lord has other plans, I'm just going to have to trust that they're better anyway. Let's just hope he reveals these marvelous plans sometime soon. :) As it turns out, nothing is permanent. Maybe not even my decision to not reapply (although admittedly I would need a serious sign in order to reconsider again)...
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