I'm Sick

Hi. I’m not really sure where to start, so I suppose I’ll just start with a Spark Notes™  version: This past April while I was studying for finals, I was lying out on the grass because I like to feel like I’m connected to the Earth. I got a bunch of bug bites on my back but wasn’t worried about it. A week later, I pulled what I thought was a scab off my back; I realized it was a tick whenever it started squirming in my fingers. I squished it and my own blood came out (unnecessary information, but I want you to feel the horror). Because I was flying out to Madrid the next day, I didn’t have time to worry about my little tag-along. However, once in Spain, I started getting bizarre leg spasms, backaches, headaches etc. I feared Lyme disease based on my Google searches, but it was super unproductive when I went to a doctor over there. I eventually convinced myself those were all symptoms of being in a new country with a new diet etc. Still, I got tested when I finally got back to Nashville three months later, and my blood came back Lyme positive. I started antibiotics that same day. A few days into the antibiotics, I became the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m talking laying on the bathroom tiles sobbing because I was in so much pain. Not great. That actually went on for about two weeks with a few breaks of functionality in between (one day my friends came over to go boating and I took 16 ibuprofen so that’d I’d be okay. Terrible for the liver, but I didn’t know what to do.)

Anyways, we’re now nearing real-time in this summary. This past week, I went to a Lyme specialist, which was very heartening. He believes I’ll be able to make a full recovery in the near future (which is great because chronic Lyme is a very real and daunting condition that faces thousands). Unfortunately, to get this recovery, I will need to ramp up my antibiotics three-fold, meaning my terrible reactions to the toxins will likely continue for awhile. Because of this, my doctor and my family and I have decided it’s unwise to go back to school this semester. I know. A true shame.

*new paragraph to allow for processing*

Since I’ll be at home this semester, I’ve decided to get really intentional about how I spend my time these next few months. This will likely be the only time in my adult life that I’m truly free and unscheduled. I think now, more than ever, it may be really tempting for me to become apathetic and just kind of Facebook my way through a semester with the biggest FOMO (non-millennial translation: “fear of missing out”) anyone has ever fostered. To avoid that, I plan on deleting all my social media accounts, at least for the first bit of this semester as I get a handle on everything. I also secretly hope that this will contribute to the mystery of my absence, allowing ridiculous rumors to emerge of how I eloped in Spain and refuse to come back or how I became very politically engaged and decided to move and fix Washington myself or how I was actually replaced by a replica human during my gap year and now must report back to my alien kind after two years of in-depth surveillance of the human population. But the reality is, I’m going to get a yoga membership, try to take dance and piano classes when I feel well, and spend an incredible amount of time reading the Bible.

This is honestly an unprecedented opportunity for me to hone in on the person I want to be. Obviously, I’ll have good days and bad days. Some days, I’ll be downtown eating lunch with my friends, and some days I probably won’t be able to walk. I don’t really know what’s gonna happen, so predications are nearly useless. But in all things I keep coming back to my belief that the Lord is, and always has been, in control. I’m truly not sad; I’m just surprised. It’s pretty easy to convince yourself that you’re the ultimate power in your life, that your plans are indispensable. Although I’ve been proven false in that illusion so many times before, I’m being proved wrong again. I’m trusting that it will be as worthwhile this time as it has been in the past. I’ll no longer be able to go abroad in the spring like I’d planned, and I won’t be taking on any of the responsibilities I had lined up for this semester. If I ever put my identity in what I do, that is about to be stripped from me. No matter what, I will trust the Lord. I hope to come back to school a better person than when I left. I hope to use this time to grow and be a blessing to others. I have all the time in the world to allow God to shape me. I don’t know what the Lord wants to keep me home for, but this is so unexpected that there must be something. If Job taught me anything, it’s that happiness and holiness are not always synonymous, and I’m going to try my best to be okay with that.

So to wrap this up, please don’t worry about me because I’m going to be fine. I would appreciate any and all prayers and positive thoughts, and you’re more than welcome to spread wild rumors about my disappearance. I’m sure I’ll see many of you during this semester anyway; if you want to get in touch with me, just text or email. Be aware that this is a rare time where I am able to justify my terrible text-response habits; I will undoubtedly milk this while it lasts, but I’ll get back to you eventually. Much love to you all.

PS- Check yourself for ticks often. Please.